Curious
by spiritedarray
Summary: You didn't make love in the ANBU, you made war. ANBU AU. One-shot. ShikaTema


**A/N:** This one-shot has been collecting dust in my drafts for who knows how long, so I thought I'd finally share it. It's not my finest work, but at least it's a little update to let you all know I'm very much alive and very much still shipping ShikaTema (yes, I will finish my other stories, don't worry!).

Inspired by the song Curious by Ark Patrol feat. Victoria Zaro (youtube **dot** com/18vEDkDIFUs) - as soon as I listened to it, I immediately thought of ShikaTema. Something along the lines of a dark, risky love that you can't resist. I'd highly recommend checking it out beforehand or while you read. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own _Naruto_ , nor the song this piece is based on.

* * *

He was gone again.

Everyday after their evening drill sessions, he was nowhere to be found. His absence was particularly noticeable on Monday evenings, when the rest of their ANBU unit would drink together, an old and rather macabre tradition to "celebrate" living to see another week. Really, it was just an excuse for them to relax a little in an otherwise very solemn and high-risk environment. Though the other members seemed unfazed by his regular disappearances, she had become somewhat attached to their team, despite knowing full well that it was extremely unwise to do so. In fact, even when they shared some sake, they kept their faces obscured by their masks, only raising them enough to take a swig. They were all still strangers to each other, their conversations muted and mostly mission-related, but this was the longest a single unit had lasted in her ANBU career and she'd reached the point of no return; she was their leader, and as she was fairly isolated in her life, they had become her makeshift family.

She couldn't help it; she was concerned about him. What was plaguing him? Why else would he run off at eight every evening, and actively separate himself from the rest of their team? They were all haunted by their own demons. They were all trying to forget. She couldn't figure out if she was angry at him for acting so aloof and entitled, or worried that he was driving himself towards oblivion. Nonetheless, the few female members seemed to be drawn to his mysterious, detached nature; every week, he was involved with a new one. In the end, he would always go back to being by himself. He had a talent for escaping company and being alone.

This time, she would not let him get away so easily.

She tracked him silently, descending from the treetops every now and again to place her index finger on the ground and sense his chakra. It was faint, but it was there. Eventually, she found herself in a clearing in the middle of the forest, one that overlooked a vast expanse of land; right in front of her was the horizon, extending endlessly outwards towards the rest of the village.

Before she could even begin to admire the beauty of the sun slowly sinking into the ground, she felt her body freeze; every limb became stiff, every muscle contracted. She realised that there was only one person she knew who had this ability, this kekkei genkai, and that was the man in the feline mask that was standing behind her.

"Oh, good evening, Captain," he said flatly.

"Kumori," she said. "Is that you?"

He released his shadow binding technique and she slowly turned around. They stood face-to-face, or mask-to-mask for that matter.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I could ask you the same thing," she replied. "Come. Have a drink with us."

"No thanks."

"Why not?"

"I don't drink."

"Then talk."

"I have nothing to say."

"I'm sure you do."

"I really don't."

"You don't get lonely, coming here every evening by yourself?"

"I have the sky and the clouds. What more could I want?"

At first she thought he was walking towards her, but instead he walked past her and lay down in the field, using his left arm to cushion his head. She was confused; he seemed completely disinterested in upholding any conversation, yet he was deliberately leaving himself in a vulnerable position.

"So _that's_ all you do out here? Just lie down and stare at the sky?" she asked, moving to sit next to him.

"Well, I usually have a cigarette or two as well, but since you're here, I shouldn't take my mask off."

"No, go ahead," she insisted. "I don't want to stop you from doing whatever you enjoy doing."

He hesitated.

"Really, it's just us here. As your captain, I give you permission to remove your mask." If anything, she was a little curious to see who this shadowy figure was; she knew he was a shinobi like no other, but his dark, spiky hair gave no indication as to what type of face was behind the skill.

Sighing, he lifted his mask off his face and placed it to the side, his eyes never leaving the clouds floating leisurely across the golden sky.

She was not disappointed. He had a defined jawline, onyx irises that were always calm and focused, his mouth fixed into a firm line that expressed very little. She didn't know what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. This was _better_. He looked like a thinker, a leader. Although he also looked as though he would dismiss the latter idea immediately.

With his free hand, he felt around in his pocket for his packet of cigarettes. Slipping one out, he slid it between his lips lazily and lit it with a lighter retrieved from his jacket. He inhaled deeply, then sent a trail of smoke into the air; she could feel the wisps drift into her airways and form a haze in her chest. She felt it trigger something exciting and dangerous within her, though she quickly brushed it aside and instead focused on the soft, bitter, all-too-familiar aftertaste.

"Do you want one?" he asked in between puffs.

"No, thank you," she mumbled. "I quit around a year ago."

"Good for you," he responded apathetically. "I didn't take you for a smoker, though."

"It was a full-on addiction for a while. Then my sensei died from lung cancer, and they lost their appeal."

"Interesting," he murmured. "I took up smoking after my sensei died as a way to preserve his memory."

"I take it he smoked?"

"Like a chimney."

As the traces of tobacco infiltrated her system, she could feel a certain craving resurge with a strength and immediacy she never anticipated. Before she knew it, her body was physically responding to being starved of nicotine for so long. She felt jittery and unsteady; she was suffering her intense first-week withdrawal symptoms a whole twelve months after she'd quit, and her companion noticed.

"Are you sure? It'll relax you."

It was too late. The smoke had invaded her mind and now it was all she could think about.

"Fuck it." Without warning, she snatched the cigarette from his fingers and removed her own mask, ready to take a long, sinful drag. She closed her eyes and let the chemicals wash over her senses. It soothed her, and yet it suffocated her simultaneously. She felt the heat rise in her throat, tension that had crept up on her, forcing her eyes open. When they did, she found him sitting up, staring at her incredulously.

"What's with that look?" she asked, suddenly unable to avoid his gaze and realising that she didn't want to.

"Y-you..."

"Oh, sorry," she muttered, returning his cigarette. "I thought you were offering it. I didn't realise you meant one each."

"No," he said quickly. "It's fine."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I've just...never seen your face before."

"Well, judging by your reaction, clearly that was a good thing," she laughed.

"I didn't mean to offend," he mumbled. "It...surprised me. I didn't expect-"

"Didn't expect what?"

"I didn't expect those _eyes_ ," he murmured. "They're...something."

"What _were_ you expecting?"

"I don't know." Whatever the case, he definitely didn't imagine they could be so vivid, so bold, so beautiful. They were a brilliant teal and unmistakably feminine, sleek like a cat's but sharp as a warrior's. She was a hard-as-nails ANBU captain with a blunt tone and serious sense of duty; but here, with her wild, golden tresses, slender yet toned frame and eyes so dazzling he thought he might evaporate, she was all woman. She was another human being, and a captivating one at that. He couldn't help but find himself momentarily dumbstruck.

"It's nice to know what at least one member of my unit looks like," she mused. "Reminds me that ultimately, we're all human."

"How long have you been with the ANBU?"

"About seven years."

"Wow. That's commitment. It's not an easy job, and to do it for that long..."

"You get used to it. What about you? How long?"

"Only a year or so. Honestly, I don't think I'm cut out for it."

"How come?"

"I think you need a certain level of stoicism, apathy...maybe even darkness to do all the missions you have to do on a daily basis. In a way I can see why the Hokage pushed me towards joining the ANBU. But there were times in the past where I let my emotions rule me, so now I've built a wall around myself. I don't see the colour in life anymore. I don't care who I am or what I do. I don't like the boy I used to be, but I don't like the man I've become. So I come here to smoke, to console myself, to ponder."

She absorbed this for a moment. He was opening up to her, expressing his thoughts, his feelings - even his fears. From this brief insight, she could tell he had much more substance than she initially gave him credit for. He wasn't just a pretty, if not perpetually disinterested, face; he had experienced deep pain and grief like most, but it had affected him in a way that was difficult to put a finger on. She could see how frustrating it was for him to be unable to explain himself.

"The shinobi world needs people like you," she said firmly. "People who can see something for what it is, including themselves. People who can understand, reason, show both introspection and empathy. People like you are the key to peace."

He snorted derisively. " _Peace_. That's a rather idealistic concept, don't you think?"

"I'll admit, it's very optimistic and highly subjective," she nodded. "But it's definitely not impossible. Not so long as we continue to connect with each other on a human level."

He contemplated this as they passed the cigarette back and forth, taking alternating drags. His eyes flitted between the bold orange of the sunset and her hopeful expression. Her eyes had become soft and kind, filled with promise and sincere wonder, oddly innocent like a child's.

"So long as we're connecting on a human level," he said casually. "May I ask your true name, Captain?"

That took her by surprise. "That's a little presumptuous, don't you think? This is the first proper conversation we've had between us."

"You were the one who urged me to remove my mask, Captain. I think we're past the point of secrecy now."

She felt heat rise in her throat, and not necessarily from the smoke of the cigarette. "I'm leaving."

He was puzzled by her sudden hostility. " _You_ followed _me_ , Captain. I'm not sure what you wanted to get out of this exchange, but I hope you got the answers you wanted. Maybe one day you'll see the hypocrisy in it all."

She hated being accused, especially when the accuser was right. "Goodbye, Kumori."

"It's Shikamaru," he called after her as she wandered further into the trees.

* * *

She hated it.

She'd talked to him; he'd gotten too close; and now she was intrigued.

Nowadays, she couldn't help but let her eyes wander over to where he stood, whether it was surrounded by other people or by himself. None of this she minded, until she noticed him slowly engaging more with the rest of the unit...particularly the other women, of whom there weren't many, but enough for him to take his pick should he choose to.

 _We're in the ANBU_ , she thought. _Everyone knows better_.

Clearly, she was the only one who understood this, because every evening when he left after their drills, a different female ANBU member would also vanish. And she wasn't going to fool herself into thinking he was still alone, innocently smoking his way through the third pack of the week. Reality was never kind to anyone in this environment, and she was no exception.

She hated how much this was getting to her. She was the leader of the unit; she had far more important things to consider, like _survival_ for one. Yet, the idea of him "frolicking" in the sunset with some random woman irked her to no end, even though their own relationship did not extend beyond unemotional camaraderie.

This particular evening, however, he approached her before pulling his usual disappearing act. "Captain."

"Kumori," she said coldly. "What can I do for you?"

"You could start by calling me 'Shikamaru'."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because that's my name," he said plainly. "According to our last conversation, you told me we need to connect on a human level in order to achieve peace."

"That may be so, but we're in the ANBU. There are certain rules and regulations here, one of them being the use of codenames."

"Another is concealing our identity at all times, but if I remember correctly, you requested I remove my mask last time."

"I gave you _permission_ ," she corrected him. "No requests were made. Removing it was your own choice."

"It was yours, too. You revealed yourself to me shortly afterwards."

She grimaced underneath her mask. _Damn that smartass._

"What did you want?" she snapped.

"To talk," he responded simply. "Shall we go to the clearing?"

"To talk?" she questioned.

"To talk," he nodded.

She exhaled. "Lead the way."

* * *

They sat; he lit a cigarette; she felt the rhythm of her heart grow increasingly erratic as she inhaled his second-hand smoke and his eyes drifted between her and the sunset.

"You sure you don't want one of your own?" he deadpanned, knowing full well she was trying to sustain herself off of his.

"Shut up," she muttered, but that didn't stop her from reaching for his pack anyway. "Where's the lighter?"

"Here," he said, but instead of producing it, he leaned in and carefully poised the end of his cigarette against hers. "Breathe in."

"W-what are you..."

"Trust me."

She complied and inhaled in sync with him, then drew back as the end glowed orange and smoke trailed off at the tip.

"You've never chain smoked before?"

"Of course I have," she grumbled. "I just didn't expect you to do that."

"Why?"

"You have a perfectly good lighter, don't you?"

"This was easier."

They both knew that was a lie.

They sat and stared at the sky in silence, smoking quietly and absorbing the sounds of nature in the surrounding dusk. She noticed him occasionally glance at her in her peripheral vision, but she deliberately avoided meeting his gaze. Instead, after a while, she collapsed back onto the ground and laughed.

"What is it?"

She couldn't stop herself. Soon, she was breathless. "God, what are we _doing_?"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at us," she exclaimed. "We're sitting in this field, masks off, cigarettes out...hell, I know your first name, and you don't even address me properly anymore. This isn't normal. We're professionals in one of the most high-pressure organisations in the shinobi world, we shouldn't be doing this."

"You make it sound like we're being indecent," he muttered.

"We might as well be," she scoffed. "I'm just part of the flock, apparently."

"Huh?"

"You wanted to talk. Let's talk." She stubbed out her cigarette and tossed it into the distance. "Is that _really_ why you brought me out here? Not for the same reason you went off with all those other girls?"

He sighed. "You're jumping to conclusions."

"Then explain this to me."

He gave up on his own cigarette and left it to disintegrate in the grass. "After that last time we came here...I became more open. More talkative. Not much, but I enjoyed the unit's company more. I put an end to their misery and told them about this spot which I go to to think every evening. Some were interested in seeing it, so I showed it to them. Nothing more."

"Nothing more?"

"Nothing more. In fact, you're the only one who's seen my face. And I haven't seen any of theirs." He turned to look at her. She felt like an insect under his microscope.

"You have no interest in pursuing any of them?"

"No."

"Good," she responded. Quickly, she added, "That wouldn't be the smartest thing to do, considering the position we're all in."

"I agree," he mused. "But as humans...we can be fallible sometimes."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"This evening, something felt off. Usually I have no trouble just looking at the clouds and watching the sun go down. But my mind was oddly restless, and I realised I was having trouble focusing. I couldn't keep my eyes on the sunset; they kept drawing back to you."

"I didn't peg you for a man who chatted up women with clichés," she rolled her eyes.

"I know, it sounds stupid to me, too," he acquiesced. "But you're the kind of person who demands the truth, so there it is."

"You can stop sweet-talking me, Kumori. It might help you with those other girls, but not me."

"Would you let it _go_?" he hissed. "And for the love of God, just call me Shikamaru."

"I'll do neither of those things," she replied. "I'm your Captain, you are my subordinate. That is all we are and can be."

He sat up straighter and leaned in a little closer. "I'm aware of that," he said quietly. "I just can't help but wonder..."

"Don't."

She was burning under his gaze; at this rate, within this range, she would vaporise. He didn't relent. "You're not even a little curious...?" he trailed off.

Her breath hitched in her throat. "I already know how it will end."

"That doesn't answer the question."

"I...I..."

Before she knew it, he had crushed his lips against hers, and she was letting him, and she was kissing him back as though her life depended on it. It probably did, since they were in the ANBU, and when you had nothing in particular to live for, at least you had each other. Her heart pounded as his arms snaked their way around her waist and up her sides and into her hair. It was all lust and fire and instinct; their mouths were so fervently glued to each other that she felt as though she were suffocating, drowning in him. When she finally came up for air, his lips trailed along her jawline and along her collarbone. Bubbles of pleasure pooled in the base of her throat, but she refused to release them. She wouldn't let him win. Not like this.

So she pushed him down onto the grass, hovering over him. She was not the predator, and he was not the prey; they were simply man and woman, coexisting, preserving and destroying simultaneously. You didn't make love in the ANBU. You made war.

* * *

When they collapsed on the ground, finally satiated, she laughed.

"You're the worst influence, you know?"

He frowned, but he was ultimately too exhausted to defend himself.

"Maybe I'm too easily swayed." She got up to retrieve her black base layer which had somehow flung itself two metres away from them. "Guess I shouldn't be a unit leader if I can't stand my own ground, huh?"

He smirked a little. "So you gave into your primal instincts. That's hardly a crime."

"I'm not just talking about sex. Hell, I'm smoking again and it's all your fucking fault, Shikamaru."

"Would you look at that?" he grinned, reaching for his trousers and fumbling with the pouch for his cigarettes. "You finally addressed me by my first name."

"Also your fault."

"Sorry," he said smugly, offering the cigarette to her. "So, when will you let me in on your true name, _Captain_?"

"Not a chance," she rebuffed him. "I've already made a dozen mistakes by being around you. I'm not about to add to that tally."

He exhaled, a translucent plume of tobacco filtering from his mouth. "Seems a little unfair."

"Let's not get too involved in each other's lives, okay? One or both of us could die at any moment. As ANBU, we need to detach ourselves emotionally from our unit. Keep it purely professional."

"You're hiding something."

"I have to," she smiled halfheartedly. "You should keep your friends close but your enemies closer, after all."

* * *

Every evening after that, he didn't invite her to the clearing. He didn't take anyone there; it was back to being his own haven once more.

 _It's for the best_ , she thought to herself as his absence was felt even more prominently than usual. _I can't believe I let my guard down like that. I was stupid._

 _Why did I let him mess with my head like that?_

She was usually so rational, so pragmatic. But spending time with this team, and with him in particular, had changed her. She was learning to trust again. To lean on others. To support and be supported. Frankly, to allow others to be responsible for her happiness or safety scared the hell out of her. That wasn't what she trained for. She was built to be ruthless, independent, unforgiving. Slowly, she was handing over little pieces of herself to him. If she wasn't careful, there'd be nothing left soon. He would have it all, know it all. It was a close call, but she'd managed to keep him at arm's length. He was infiltrating the iron barriers of her mind and she would keep reinforcing them for as long as she could.

They didn't speak outside of mission orders and training. No more than what was necessary was ever exchanged between them; it was easier this way. He addressed her as 'Captain', and he was 'Kumori' to her. Although her focus had slipped in recent weeks, she could still be frighteningly disciplined if she wanted to, and if she left it long enough, she'd stop caring about what he was up to altogether.

"We're approaching riskier territory, so the tent will be guarded at all times while we rest. Shifts will last approximately one-and-a-half hours. I'll take the first one." She gestured for the rest of the team to turn in for the night.

"Surely it would be advisable to have at least two members on watch rather than one?" he interjected. "If the one guard was killed silently, the rest of the unit would be in a very bad position."

She gritted her teeth. "We're not in high-risk territory yet, but if you think it's best, then let's do that."

"It's your call, Captain," he said absently. "I don't mind taking the first shift with you if needs be."

Exasperated, she conceded the short-lived debate. "Fine by me. Everyone else, please feel free to retire for the night. We will wake you if there's an issue or we need you to take over." They complied without hesitation, while he moved to sit on the log outside the tents and she followed suit.

After some time sitting in silent darkness, he finally spoke. "I can't."

"You can't what?"

"I can't stand there and listen to you call me 'Kumori'."

"It's your name."

"No, it's not." He removed his mask. "It's my codename, but not my real name. It was assigned to me; it's meaningless. My real name is personal, familiar, it's the name my friends and family call me. The name I am given by people who care about me." He paused, then looked down at his feet. "I thought you had started calling me that."

"It was a slip of the tongue," she hissed quietly. "Besides, you don't know my true name, and I have no intention of giving it to you."

"If you did, I wouldn't take it for granted," he assured her. "I would never betray your trust."

"What reason do I have to believe that?"

"For one, we're on the same side, Captain," he stated the obvious. "But more importantly...I care about you."

"Don't," she cut him off. "That doesn't bode well for either of us."

"You're annoying as hell, you know that?" he snapped. " _You_ came to _me_ in the beginning, remember? You wanted me to open up to you, and here you are, chastising me for expecting the same from you. Human relationships are two-way streets, Captain. Give and take."

"I don't want a relationship with anyone, of any sort. Colleagues, perhaps, but that's where I draw the line."

"You seemed to have trouble defining that back in the clearing."

"We're in the ANBU; I haven't stayed in one place for a long time. Forgive me if my hormones were running a little high that day."

"So we're all a little frustrated," he shrugged. "You'd _think_ that as a unit leader and a veteran of the ANBU, you'd be able to control your urges by now."

"Go to hell, Shikamaru. I don't need your fucking sarcasm right now."

"You could've done what we did with any other guy in this camp. They'd all be willing. You chose _me_ for a reason."

"So what if I did?" she bit back. "I've slept with other ANBU members. I've been in long-term relationships outside of this organisation, too. Don't think you're so special."

"Then why did you feel so threatened when I started talking to the other female ANBU?"

She'd never wanted to slap someone so hard in her life. She didn't even have a decent reason why...she was angry, but not because he was slandering her. He was right. And _that_ infuriated her more than anything.

"You..." she hissed. "You're like every man I've ever met. You're arrogant, you try too hard to be cool and mysterious, you treat women like you own them. You're an ass, but you're also a smartass, and it's fucking unbearable."

"I don't know what I've done for you to create such an impression of me in your mind," he muttered. "But if I'm _so_ unbearable-"

"Goddammit, Shikamaru, I didn't say _you_ were unbearable. Being _around_ you is unbearable, because _of course_ I care about your stupid ass! And I hate what that's done to me. Every fucking day I worry I'll lose you. I worry you'll die, or you'll disappear, or you'll remember how many other women you have at your disposal and forget I existed. I worry you're using me, that all I am to you is another forgettable conquest in the middle of the fucking forest." She cast her mask aside and took a moment to breathe. "I worry that I'm becoming so attached to you that if you leave me for whatever reason, I'll fall apart. And that I cannot do, because I am an ANBU leader, one of the only female captains there are. I've worked damned hard; trained to be steely and stoic as a shinobi; I will not let something as trivial as a man negate all of that."

He closed his eyes. "I could never forget you."

She froze. "What?"

"You're my Captain, after all."

"Ah." Her gaze fell to the ground. "Right."

"But besides that...you've become important to me."

Her breath caught in her throat for a moment. "Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't say things like that. Have you not been listening at _all_? I can't be with you, I can't fall for you, I can't-"

Suddenly, she was interrupted by his lips against hers; initially, an attempt to silence the spew of pessimism coming out of her mouth, but then it became something more. An experiment, an exploration, full of feeling rather than fire. Unlike their previous encounter, this was slow, gentle, a way to speak without words. And she spoke back to him, wanting to connect with him on a human level, rather than one motivated by lust and passion and frustration.

"Let's tag out," he whispered against her lips.

"So that's it," she concluded quietly, pulling away. "I should've known better."

"What do you mean?"

"You're just a young man, after all. Why did I think for even a second you were above just getting into my pants?"

"What? No! You've got it all wrong-"

"I'm not just some toy you get to play with when you feel like it, until the novelty wears off and you find some replacement. I have more self-respect than that. There are plenty of female ANBU who I'm sure would be happy to fuck you, if that's what you're after."

"Damn it, Captain, would you stop being so goddamn _neurotic_?" he snapped. "If I really just wanted sex, why would I make my life so difficult as to try and get it from you? I'm not that much of a masochist. Yes, I want you. That's been a given since we met. But more than that, I want you _to_ _trust me_."

Her eyes widened a little, then she sighed and stood up.

"Where are you going?

"To clear my head."

"You can't just leave your unit-"

"I'm putting you in charge for the night." She turned away from him. "I'm trusting you," she said quietly, before replacing her mask and disappearing into the darkness.

* * *

"Oi."

That voice was unmistakable.

"You followed me?" she huffed, taking off her mask. "Unbelievable."

"You made out as if you were gonna abandon us in the middle of a dangerous mission. The hell was I supposed to do?"

"Who's keeping watch, then?"

"I woke up some of the others and told them we were doing some recon."

"Smart thinking."

"Pretty sure that's the only reason they wanted me in the ANBU."

"You were right," she nodded. "You shouldn't be here. You're not messed up enough for it."

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't think they advised you to join because you were inherently detached and disinterested. Being an ANBU just makes you think you are, or always were."

He shook his head. "I've been lost for a long time."

"No. Look at you, here, now. _Caring_ about something. _Caring_ about me. Or maybe I'm jumping to conclusions-"

Before she'd even noticed, he was close to her, leaning over her, kissing her. And like the last time, he was slow, gentle...even, dare she say it, _loving_.

Loving terrified her.

"I care," he whispered after some time, his fingers twisting in her hair. "Maybe even too much."

"Don't let the ANBU ruin that," she begged, breathless. "You're a good guy, Shikamaru. Terrible for me, but it's in society's best interests to have you back in the regular forces."

"Really? You think I'm terrible for you?"

"The _worst_ ," she half-laughed. "Or maybe the best. That's it...you're a good guy, but you're _too_ good for me. Way better than I deserve."

He sighed. "I wish you'd learn to love yourself as much as I l-"

She put a finger to his lips before he could say it. "No."

His eyes widened as it occurred to him what he'd been about to say. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

He caressed her face. "Can I kiss you?"

"Haven't I stroked your ego enough tonight?"

"You wound it on such a regular basis that I thought this was a one-off jackpot of generosity."

"Funny."

"I'm a man of wit," he shrugged, although his lips broke into a grin. "So? Can I?"

"You never needed to ask."

* * *

When she awoke, she felt warm arms around her.

Her whole body froze for a moment as she decided whether to scream or to slip out as silently as she could.

Then it all came back to her.

The feeling of his lips, so warm and insistent against hers; every temporary, tender touch; but most of all, the way he looked at her.

No one had ever looked at her like that before.

 _Lovingly_.

Loving still terrified her.

 _We didn't make love_ , she kept telling herself. But they definitely didn't make war this time, either.

Slowly, she turned around in his embrace to face him; they were curled up together under a large tree, heads supported by one flak jacket, bodies covered by another. They were clothed, albeit haphazardly, and she thanked God it was midsummer or she'd probably be out here shivering her ass off.

He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping.

She wished she could sleep as peacefully as that.

She brushed a stray piece of dark, silky hair out of his face and tucked it behind his ear.

" _Temari_ ," she whispered. "My name is Temari."

"Temari," he murmured in reply, eyelids struggling to separate themselves. Suddenly, they snapped open. " _Temari_?!"

"Y-you're awake?!" she exclaimed.

"You're...Temari?" he said quietly in disbelief. "As in...Temari of..."

She closed her eyes in defeat. "Yes."

"But...the Fall of Sunagakure..."

"I know." She moved to sit up.

He released her from his grasp and stared at her in disbelief.

"You look...different."

"It was a long time ago, after all." She raked a hand through her shoulder-length hair. "I was only fifteen back then."

"Still, I thought I would've recognised you when you first took off your mask. Those eyes are pretty unforgettable."

"Most of the world thinks I'm dead. I wouldn't blame you if your brain naturally repressed the mere concept of my existence."

"So...why..."

She exhaled deeply. "I managed to escape to Konoha and sought asylum here. The Fifth Hokage took mercy on me and assigned me to the ANBU, where I could adopt a new identity and live in the shadows. For all intents and purposes, I died with the rest of the Sunan population. But technically, I'm still alive, here in hiding, knowing that if I let my guard down, I could be killed in an instant."

"You took off your mask," he said matter-of-factly.

"Because I trusted you."

"Why?"

"I saw the emptiness in your eyes, your demeanour. It was the same emptiness I felt when I realised my family, my friends and my home were all gone. That emptiness you feel when you have no one you care about and nothing to live for. Your former Hokage offered me kindness and security. It didn't save me or change me or effect some grand epiphany, but it gave me something to hold onto, to rely on, when I had no other form of safety. I don't know what kind of hell you've been through, but I've probably been there as well, and I figured we both needed someone to share our hell with."

"Ironic that we ended up sharing a haven," he half-smiled, remembering their time in the clearing.

"Irony seems to be a common theme in my life." She looked at her uniform, still in a state of disarray. "Look at me, serving the very village that helped to destroy my own."

"I'm amazed Tsunade took a risk like that."

"We're both women in a world run by men," she shrugged. "Both blamed for things we had no control over. Had it been Gaara, she probably would've killed him for the 'greater good'. But it was me, on my knees, looking pretty fucking pitiful for the former princess of Sunagakure."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, sitting up with her. "I'm sorry on our behalf."

"Don't be. It was our people that started it, after all," she smiled through tears. "Konoha is my home now, even if I can't show my face to any of the villagers."

"Do you miss Suna?"

"No. It was a fucked-up place," she sniffed. "Civil war was bound to break out sooner or later. But it took my brothers away from me, the only thing I really had. I'll always regret that."

"It's not your fault."

"I couldn't protect them."

"We can't protect everyone," he said bitterly. "I learnt that the hard way."

She looked at him questioningly, then remembered. "Oh, right. Your sensei."

"And my father."

"Were you and your father close?"

"Not in the conventional sense...I didn't see him much, but the time we did spend together was important. He taught me a lot about the shinobi world and what it means to be a man. Although he was terrified of my mom, which was hilarious. Such a proud, respectable commander, reduced to a little boy whenever she was around."

"I wouldn't know what that's like," she murmured. "My father was a tyrant, after all. He's a big part of the reason why I'm in this predicament."

"Are you really going to stay in hiding for the rest of your life?"

"It looks like it'll have to be that way for the foreseeable future," she nodded. "Times change, but people don't change all that much."

"And you'll stay in the ANBU?"

"I don't really have any other options, do I?" she mused. "But it's probably better this way. The ANBU is for dark people with dark pasts."

"I manipulate shadows, don't I?"

"You're forgetting one crucial point: in order for shadows to be formed, a certain amount of light is required."

A beat.

"Come back with me."

"What?"

"We can start again. You can dye your hair, wear contacts...no one will be the wiser. We can make it work."

"Shikamaru, a mask and a codename is one thing, but a whole new identity is another. I don't want to live a bold-faced lie. Withholding personal information is different from convincing everyone I'm Konoha-born and raised, a natural brunette or some doe-eyed housewife. I'm Temari of the Sand; blonde hair, green eyes and all. If people can't accept me as I am, I'd rather they don't see my face at all."

"Then let's run away. We'll have a field and a forest to ourselves, and a house in the middle. We can watch the clouds in a clearing and drink while the sun goes down. Whatever you want, we'll do it."

"I don't want you giving up a chance at a normal, happy life for me. You deserve better than that, Shikamaru. You deserve to fall in love with a beautiful woman who makes your heart beat a little bit harder when you're with her; to get married and have a dozen children and not worry about anything, especially not people finding out who your wife really is. You need to be with someone you can hold hands with on a Sunday stroll, eat dinner with in a restaurant, introduce to your friends."

"I've already fallen in love with a beautiful woman. She makes my heart hammer in my chest like there's no tomorrow, and I want to kiss her in public and sweep her off her feet and do all of those things with her." He could see her eyes fill with tears as he spoke. "And even if it takes ten, twenty, thirty years for your enemies to stop chasing you and people to get over the past, I'll wait. You deserve your happiness, your safety, as much as I do mine."

She half-smiled as tears streamed down her face. "I'm sorry that out of all the women you could have loved, it happened to be me."

"I'm not," he said adamantly, stroking away her tears with his thumb. "I've never been sorry about loving you, not for a second. I don't want you to be, either."

He kissed her softly.

"Not a second, Temari."

After a while, she pulled away and began to fix up her appearance. "We should get back."

"Mm."

They stood up and examined each other briefly. Not a hair out of place, but both knew they were completely different from who they were the night before.

* * *

"If I could have everyone's attention."

The murmur among the unit fell into silence as they all turned to face her.

"I wanted to inform you all that, upon the completion of this mission and our subsequent return to Konoha, I will be retiring my duties as ANBU Captain of this unit."

Immediately the murmur resurfaced, although one member of the unit was actively avoiding any conversation, his attention instead turned skywards.

"It's likely that I'll be moved to another sector of the ANBU, but that's none of your concern. All you need to know is that you will be assigned a new captain as soon as I sign off, and we will ensure that the handover is as smooth as possible."

"May we ask why you're being moved, Captain?" one member asks.

"As far as I'm aware, the Hokage believes my skill-set is more suited to another division. I have specifically requested a non-leadership role, as I think in order for the next step in my career to be rewarding, I need to be under someone else's command for a change. That being said, in spite of being your superior, I have learnt so much from all of you over the last seven years. I am truly grateful for our time together; for the unwavering loyalty and assistance you've all afforded me; for the honour of being your captain. Thank you all for your hard work, and good luck."

 _Only in the ANBU could "good luck" sound somewhat morbid_ , she thought to herself as she finished her announcement.

Suddenly, the unit all bowed their heads in reverence. But one person was not among them.

* * *

"When were you going to tell me?" he asked as he heard her approach him, not caring to turn around.

"I assumed you'd have put two and two together after our last conversation."

"That was about the future. Months, maybe years from now. Not in a few days' time."

"Still, are you really all that surprised?"

"No." He said finally, sinking into the ground and letting his eyes follow the clouds. "Just frustrated, that's all."

"By what? The fact that I didn't explicitly tell you?"

"The fact that I'm not reason enough for you to stay, damn it!" he snapped. Then, quieter, he muttered, "I'm sorry."

She sighed and sat down beside him in the clearing. "So am I."

"I'm serious, you know. I'll wait."

"You won't," she half-smiled. "You say this now because you're young and you've convinced yourself that love is forever, but give it some time and you'll realise it's actually kind of transient. You'll move on, you'll find someone else. You're not going to spend decades pining after some woman you slept with twice during your year or so in the ANBU."

"You think that's all you are to me?"

"It's all I _will be_. You love me now, but love fades. It changes. You might realise later that it wasn't love at all."

"Stop fucking with my head," he hissed, moving to lie down. "They do enough of that in the ANBU as it is."

"That's exactly why you don't belong here."

"Neither do you! You think you're all broken and mysterious and fucked up, but we all are - you, me, shinobi, civilians. Everyone goes through shit and everyone deals with it in their own way. You care for your ANBU unit like they're your family, and you've never even seen their faces. You're warm. Your emotions are always in your eyes, no matter how hard you try to hide it. And I know you love me, even though you'll never say it out loud, because you're scared of admitting it to yourself and realising your heart is much fuller than you wanted it to be. But it doesn't matter. I will tell you this as many times as it takes for you to understand that I don't care how stubborn you are, how pessimistic, how faithless: I love you, Temari. I love you so much that it hurts."

She looked at him forlornly. "I don't mean to hurt you."

"I know." He pulled out his cigarettes from his pocket and held one between his teeth as he lit it.

They passed a cigarette back and forth between them wordlessly for the rest of the evening, until the pack was empty and the sky was dark. He was about to break the silence and do something terribly cliché like comment on the way the stars looked tonight, until he turned his head and realised she'd fallen asleep on the grass. She had left herself so open, so vulnerable; she trusted him. He knew this because each time they slept, she never faced away from him.

* * *

"Well, this is it," she announced as they arrived back at headquarters. "Thank you." She bowed towards her unit. They mirrored her action.

"I wish you all the best. You're some of the finest shinobi I've had the pleasure of working with, and I know you will continue to thrive under your next captain. You are dismissed."

As the group headed towards the locker room, she started on her way to the Hokage Residence to file her mission report, darting over rooftops. It was not long before she noticed herself being followed.

"Hey."

She turned around, well aware of the identity of her stalker. "Leave it," she replied stoically, crossing her arms.

He caught up to her until they were standing inches apart on the roof of a small house, and they were close enough where she could smell the smoke and dirt on his uniform. "Don't say goodbye like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm just as unimportant as everyone else."

She sighed. "If you thought I was going to serenade you individually, you'd be wrong."

"I thought you'd at least come and see me one last time, after parting ways with the team."

"It wouldn't be professional of me-"

"When did we ever care about professionalism?" he snapped. "You and I took off our masks. We told each other our names. We smoked - Temari, we _fucked_ \- in a clearing, and then in a forest, exposed to the world and each other. And _now_ you choose to give a shit about being 'professional'?" He took off his mask to prove a point; his eyes were so hard, so intently focused on her, that she felt trapped; as though she couldn't look away. "Or were you always ashamed of me? Of yourself?"

"Don't," she whispered. "You know that was never the case. You were never a mistake."

"Then what am I?"

"You're important to me, Shikamaru!" she finally broke away from his gaze, slipping off her mask and letting her eyes drop to the floor as tears filled them. "You _know_ that's why I wanted to avoid this goodbye with you. When you look at me like that...I can't endure it. I don't want to hurt you more than I need to."

"And you thought leaving without a word would be better?"

"The longer we drag this out, the worse it is for both of us, Shikamaru."

"Then shouldn't we make every second worth it?"

"That's flawed logic and you know it-"

But then his lips were on hers, and any semblance of logic flew out of the window.

He brought one hand to her face, caressing her cheek, her hair, her jaw; the other wrapped around her waist, holding her close to him. She reciprocated with a renewed desperation, a sense of urgency he hadn't felt before from her; her arms wrapped around his neck so she could feel every inch of contact between their bodies.

It dawned on her how much she going to miss this. How much she was going to miss _him_.

When they finally parted, foreheads still leaning against each other, she murmured, "Promise me."

"Anything."

"Promise me you'll go back to the regular forces."

Knowing he would eventually have to let her go, he pulled away from their embrace. "I promise."

"Good." She brought his hands to her lips and kissed them gently, briefly. "Thank you, Shikamaru."

"Temari," he said, with conviction this time. "Just know that wherever you go, whatever happens...you can always come back. I want to be that person you can come back to."

She smiled. "I'll try." She released him, then returned her mask to her face.

As she moved further away from him and prepared to disappear into the distance, he could've sworn he heard a fleeting "I love you" escape her lips.

* * *

 **\- EPILOGUE -**

The years passed and he found his hands full with the responsibilities of being Konoha's Jonin Commander, a position his father had held before his death. In a way, he felt proud to continue that legacy. He worked hard, he was good at what he did, and he could see the positive impact he was having on the village's safety and wellbeing. But he made a point to remind himself that his job wasn't possible unless there were people protecting Konoha from the shadows, too.

He often did wonder if she was close by, maybe even watching over him. It was a narcissistic, unrealistic thought, but one that comforted him nonetheless.

She was right, of course; he fell in love with other people, two to be precise, but never in the same way or to the same extent that he did with her. Maybe one of those relationships would've worked had he known there was absolutely no possibility that she could come back to him. But so long as his hope lingered, he couldn't bring himself to love someone else fully, completely. Maybe she'd forgotten about him already; maybe he was just a blurry encounter in a long and difficult life. After all, it's not like she was on his mind every moment of everyday; how could he expect the same from her?

But she would always be a part of him, all the same.

She was the reason he was here, in the regular forces, saddled with all this responsibility, after all.

He asked her to watch out for him as he always did before every mission, and headed into the forest.

* * *

As he and his squad travelled through the trees, he heard unfamiliar rustling around them.

"Sir, I think we're being followed," one of the team members called from the back.

"You all go on ahead to the checkpoint," he commanded. "I'll handle this and meet you there."

They nodded and continued on their way, while he dropped to the forest floor and pressed a single finger to the ground, sensing the chakra in the area.

His heart nearly stopped in his chest.

"Temari?"

* * *

When he found her, she was sitting at the foot of a tree, worse for wear.

"Temari!" he called, racing towards her. "Are you okay?"

"Sh-Shikamaru," she smiled, eyes watering, mask in two pieces on the ground. "Hey."

That word broke him immediately. It was so casual, so nonchalant, as if no time had passed and they had done nothing to each other. And it broke him.

He crushed her to him, wanting to feel her close, to breathe in her scent, to feel her warmth once more.

His shoulders shook a little as it all came crashing down on him. She was _here_. With him. _Again_.

"Hey, Shikamaru, it's okay," she hiccuped. "I'm okay. Are you?"

He kissed her deeply, wasting no time with niceties; it was the only way he could tell her that he still felt the same, and he hoped with all his heart that she would tell him the same.

And she did - she kissed him until they were breathless and unable to utter a single word for a good few minutes. He was just as she remembered: light, loving, with smoke lingering on his clothes. She was glad.

"I'm okay," he choked out, half-laughing at the absurdity of it all. "I thought we were being tailed by an enemy. You have no idea how thankful I am to see _you_. Unless..."

"I'm not your enemy, Shikamaru," she assured him. "At least, not since back then," she smiled weakly.

He remembered that conversation well.

"There _was_ an enemy, though," she said. "But I took him out before you found me."

"So...you were watching out for me?"

"You asked, didn't you?" she grinned.

 _She_ heard _that?_

"You _heard_ that?" he asked incredulously.

"I was on my way back into Konoha after a mission and we happened to cross paths, although I was overhead. But even if I hadn't been there, I do look out for you, from time to time. I'm always curious."

"You're curious?"

"Of course. I love you, but you already knew that."

"That's the first time you've said it to my face."

"Well, it's always been true."

"Same goes for me."

"I know about those girlfriends, Shikamaru."

"Eh? How?"

"Regular shinobi don't have to live a life of secrecy, after all."

"Ah." He nodded. "Yeah. I dated other people. Doesn't change anything."

"I know it's selfish of me, but that's good to hear."

"What about you?"

"Me? I never dated anyone. Sex is another matter, but it was never the same."

"We did have great sex, after all."

"Agreed."

She stroked his cheek affectionately. "So, what do we do now?"

He laughed. "We're finding you a medic, first. We can figure out the rest later."


End file.
